all of my love

dear internet,
how have you been? i'm fine. today is going to be a busy day and that's why i'm writting now. i have a conference call with 15 of my peers this morning (i'm actually trying to get through now) and then a lot of clients throughout the day. three of them (clients) got a job doing construction together. it's cool that they were able to network through my office. anyway, i've been meaning to ask you...what's up with nerve.com? is it porn? maybe it's that stuff called soft-core porn? either way it's almost always brimming with erotic fiction, journalism, photos, and more. this is not an ad. incase you have never been to nerve.com, don't go there because you are reading this, but, when you randomly come across it in the process of being you/in your day to day, you'll know what i mean. okay that's that. also, girls are pretty day is funny for today. that you can check out cause i'm telling you to. i gott figure out what's up with this phone that keeps beeping at me. peace. out.

http://www.nerve.com/specialissues/erogenouszones/

all of my love,
michael

erototoxins

http://commerce.senate.gov/hearings/testimony.cfm?id=1343&wit_id=3910

what is the brain coming to? if it's our brain is discovering our brains then... are they actually changing? or always catching up? the microscope cannot see the microscope with anything other than a micro scope.

the answer is yes.

minority report: i'm on pharmies

got into a fight with my roomate b- last night. over some stupid bullshit too. after dinner he commented "i aint no white boy." my rash and immediate (and incorresct) response was, "yes. you are. you're white." I realize that this is totally wrong (he's 'iranian', not white) BUT what i meant and what i wish i had properly conveyed s that the system which perpetuates such classifications is indeed awful. and i feel that when he tries to relate this in terms relative to his own personal situation, it minimizes the fucked-up-ed-ness of the situation. considering he's led a relatively spoiled and priveleged life, as an american and in this country, where he is treated differently when he applies for a job or is pulled over by the cops. way differently than non-whites. but this is a random place for this rant especially since i'm apparently overly concerned with (maybe threatened by) his attempts to identify with the minority experience and seeing as he's probably the only person who might read this.hi.
anyway...
speaking of priveleged, i was feeling a little better last night and i decided to buy a cart load of the finest luxury groceries on food stamps. including, but not limited to: oysters, melons (2 kinds), olive tapinade, fresh made ravioli, and better than everage bread. i came home and ate so much food that i could hardly sleep. luckly i had, perdurabo, the biography of aleister crowly i've been reading, to keep me sleepy. it's long and detailed. it's mkaing want to develop a mantra ut i don't think i' have the training. i feel like i'd need to understand better the bas scale or something. learning to read music for the saxaphone only taught me the treble scale. did you know they are completely different. i do, but that's about the extent of it.

dense

my brother wants to get my mom a dog for christmas. he really wants to get this breed called simply 'native american indian dog'. i don't think it exists, but, either way, it's gonna take mad long to reserve one from an upcoming litter. but you know what i always say, "every litter bit counts."

... angus just called to find out why i wasn't in to help her on sat. it's funny being on the other end of this volunteerism thing. i don't think she believed that my dad graduated from college but it's true. sometimes.

bitter/sweet charity

truth is the key to all things real. withuot there is no understanding of anything internal or external. even still, the world is full of these so called 'patrons'. they are righteous and good. they cause nothing but confusion and pain. i mean, what is genuine that isn't infinite. i might also ask what is genuine that isn't temporary. the ends of this spectrum are racing to meet eachother. they rage agains the totality of their tails binding them in a completely different way. we patronize eachother endlessly into nothingness. where is the seperation [*+*+*+*+*anxiety^%^@^*&#} and what is the actual connection? on my way to work some mornings. those morning when i am quick to step out of bed. i am made to walk past the crowd outside the church. they stand there in the rain waiting for food. or as the sign on the door read 'emergency food'. they stare at the sign and at me as i walk by on my way to work. with my umbrella and my sense of good will. and i pat myself on the back for getting to work earlier than usual. it's my brother's being sent off to war. it's my brother's being killed by my brother's. what makes us brother's? the culture we share, the world we stand on? the world apart... what is the sympathetic stance? these questions are not good ones to ask. whose side should i take?... better. and what does it matter. doesn't.
today i go to detroit to watch my dad graduate from college. ha.
i've heard rumors that his step-daughter is a slut. she has sex with all her brother's friends. why do certain people want to tell me about this? should i try to interfer? or let this disaster take its course?
see, the questions can always change. the answers are usually coming from the same place. sex is to violence as charity is to the patron. they are all the same.

me and my friends and our enemies and their friends (thanks to jin for the stolen 'art)

rasta what?

i'm feeling a little better today. mostly because i've been taking drugs (i.e. tylenol cold day and tylenol cold night) that eat at my cold. and also because i've been refraining from doing those drugs that make me ire. and also because i've been staying away from the reggea music and double scotches on the rocks. as i was falling asleep last night i began to dream about keeping myself healthy. it was like some discovery channel things where i could see the alcohol making my organs bloat and deteriorate and i could see smoke making my throat raw and bloody. nasty. all things in moderation. i'll never stop beleiving in that. i've been eating more meat than usual cause i haven't been eating that much in general and i haven't been cooking so i feel like i needed to get some iron and protein into the body man, ya know? but this is the wrongt thing. i'm going home to make some greens. three pounds for $0.95 at the fine fare at 155th street. sweet.

dumbly comply

today i am feeling sick. i have not felt sick in a long time. since i quit smoking a few months ago. i realize that when i am a smoker (12 - 19.5, 20.5- 22) i get sick every 2-5 months. i recently started smoking a litle bit. i bought a pack and didn't finish it yet... i'm already sick. yesterday i was thinknig this blog could be a place for me to list all the movies and books i enjoy... as i enjoy them. but no. you will continue to read about how i make myself sick.

sign language for cry

crux

i found this image http://photos1.blogger.com/img/135/2502/1024/3.jpg on a friend's web site. she is very talented and i don't mean to rip off her art, but i thought it would fit nicely here. it reminds me of those snakes who eat eachothers' tails. two of them forming none of them. 1+1=0. i got that from a tim o'brien book ('in the lake of the woods'). the picture also reminds me of friendster.
the weather as been so cold and rainy. work has been slow and lonely... it's finals time at the uni. so many of the volunteers have been unable to make to their client meetings. this is okay. i understand how it goes especially since i was one in their shoes. in fact i choose to look at this scheduling nigthmare as karma for countless excuses. through my education, i was always busy fulfilling some imaginary yet crucial obligation when i was actually buried under a pile of blankets, stirring only periodically to hit the snooze button. i could do that fo hours. too bad i can't make a living out of that. today i was imagining a sense of permanence. i think that so many of try to attain this greatness that we think is owed us, but in reality, eventuality brings us right back home. looking at it this way, i'm tempted to find my permanence and make that happen. rather than all this 'post-apocalyptic drifter' bullshit. the world is a spectacular place, but i can only lay claim to part of it. some things of note: jamaican restaurant near my house= uncle , sam's fish market, dunbar fish market, red star=chinese joint, charlies all you can eat buffet, charlie's southern fired chicken, charlie's seafood (actually serves breakfast only), food of paradise (bronx west indian). okay time for lunch.

geomancy

someone was tellng me about how mother theresa was guilty misapproprating funds. how she would let people suffer so that they could experience the devine love of jesus. i don't know if it's true. i don't really want it to be true, but if it is... it makes sense. i kind of dig that. this survey is why this came up. the survey is about love. i filled it in backwards. here it is:


1. Define love
Love is righteous.

2. Discuss someone who you believe is an example of someone who loves
"correctly" (whatever this means to you)
Mother Theresa.

3. Discuss your parents relationship (or lack thereof) and what this
how you think this has shaped you views on marriage and commitment (
be as vague or detailed as you want but it would help if u included
what kind of commitment they had/have, work division in regards to
both domestic and paid labor.
My parents divorced each other when I was about half as old as I am
now. I have never had a great/successful relationship. I seek meaning
everywhere.

4. Discuss the work/home division in your ideal marriage/commitment etc.
We all fish. We all eat. We all maintain the shelter. We all rest.

5. Discuss the differences you do or don't think should be present in
familial love, romantic love and friendship. What's important in each
and what makes each different from the other two? Talk a little about
the grey areas, if any.
One love is non sexual. Two are sexual. The distinction is a desire to
manifest love with somebody as opposed to a loving desire to care for
somebody.

6. Define equality in a relationship.
Equality is similarity… rather exactness of interests.

7. Do you think equality is possible, probably, absolutely necessary?
Yes, in the long term.

constant sorrow

Ralph Waldo Emerson:
“Nothing is rich but the inexhaustible wealth of nature. She shows us only surfaces, but she is a million fathoms deep.”

i'm feeling more healthy about the catharsis that's been happening in these posts. after years of growing up in thereapy in a pyschologist's office, i haven't seen a shrink in almost 8 years. it's comfortable to have some place to vent. feet up on the couch and eyes closed. here i can kinda do the same. it's difficult to reach my keyboard when i have my feet on the windowsill or my desk, but i'm getting much better at typing wwith my eyes closed. this morning the radio told me that some people are trying to put a nascar track on staten island. it makes no sense to me. those poor residents finally saw the impossible. the satiation of the insatiable with the conclusion of the acitvities at freshkill.... and now this. what once was the lingering stench of noxious gas factory is probably gonna get replaced by the cacophony of growling beasts racing in circles. weird. why do i keep writing like this. i hate it. i don't feel better at all.

all is but a dot

today's been long and kinda numb. i'm sitting at my desk and it's getting colder. i just re-heated some coffee that's been sitting out since yesterday. i'm also drinking some 'mango nectar' out this tall carton with screw on cap. i've been writing so much lately and it feels like total escapism. this morning, on the subway, i didn't even pick my head up and look around at who was on the train too. a few weeks ago i had a desire to read a book/allegory inwhich all the characters are e-mails. and the plot would document their lives, which are basically contained within the time from when they're sent to when they reach their destination. where do they go in that delay? anyway, this reminds me of an idea i had in early childhood for a game board. basically it's this vast grid containing a series of dots. dots can apear at any point on the grid, and they move. when they get to the edge of the grid, they disapear. some dots blink and some dots stay solid. the dots that blink are moving those dots that stay solid. the dots that are moving can bump into other dots and make them move. but if a dot is blinking it can never move. i don't know what the point is. but the point is dots. the lady, angus, who has me helping her put out her quaterly publication is demanding all of my time. she makes me feel like a solid dot. and she's totally blinking. i'm writting an article for her on the miserable state of affordable housing. that will make me blink. i'll write more about angus as i get to know her better. i think she will become a point of interst. this talk of point and dot reminds me of the buddhist practice. "A Finger Pointing To The Moon. But to understand the point, you have to try it. On a dark night, stand and point to the moon [a dot to you or me]. When you focus on your finger, it is clear and solid, but the moon is a hazy double ghost. Now focus on the moon; it becomes clear and single, but the finger is a transparent double ghost." so i'm rambling and cutting and pasting. and i really don't know where this is going. i have this idea about what this 'blog' is gonna be like, but so far the only thing i can think to do about it is keep writting. so... even if there is nothing for me to say. sometimes i wish that i got annoyed at shit more easily so i could use this place to vent but alas... i am the calm center of the universe. ha. either way, cry to you later. peace.

it's raining

the day is wet and mild and it's looking to be a long one. last night i watched a movie with my roomate bardia and ate some pasta with large chunks of eggplant. i went to bed early in anticipation of today's events. i have a meeting later which i really should be preparing for.